Lots of Feelings...

I am extremely frustrated right now mostly with myself but also with a friend (I probably shouldn't be angry with this friend but I am).

I have so many thoughts swimming around my head right now and so many contradicting feelings that I can't even seem to put them into words. Or, I can put some of them into words but I probably shouldn't because I find myself to be a non-confrontal sassy bitch. What is my meaning do you ask? I think and write really sassy, rude, things, but when it comes to confrontation, I hide. I never bring up my real feelings or say what I really think, because when I do, I say something that I wish I could take back and it doesn't seem to get the conversation anywhere. Also, I apparently don't have any courage because even when I really want to say some pretty nasty stuff I can never actually bring myself to say it. So how do I handle conflict? I ignore it. I ignore the problems and shut myself off. Most of the time I don't even try to fix them, I just hope they will go away.

I have a certain friend that I really need to talk to, I need to ask if our relationship can be salvaged, I need to figure my shit out and talk about it. I need to fess up to my laziness and my wrongdoings, I need to explain my fatal personality flaw that is eventually going to get me into some serious trouble and most of all I need to apologize, not over text, not over Facebook, I need to really apologize, and this apology will start the real conversation of our issues.

BUT...conversations like this aren't easy. It is never easy to admit you are an asshole. It is never easy to start a conversation knowing you are in the wrong, and it is never easy to start a conversation when you know someone you truly care about is hurting and it is largely your own fault. None of this is easy and none of it is fun, it just plain sucks. It is easier to pretend that their aren't problems and that everything is perfect just the way things are, this isn't true. Life is never easy and everyone messes up, some more than others. Everyone takes people for granted even though we all know that it's wrong. After I speak to this friend, I will blog about my feelings on taking people for granted but they need to hear it in person. I happen to do it way too often. I don't know why and this is a huge problem, but I do it to more than one person.

Of course this entire blog doesn't apply to my family. I can fight with my family like no other (I still hold back some of the most nasty stuff) but I don't hold back nearly as much as I hold back with other people. I think this is because I know that whatever I say (within reason) might piss my family off but at the end of the day they will remain my family. Some friendships aren't like this, and they shouldn't. What is the point in being a friend with someone who says horrible things to you. There isn't a point so in order to remain "liked" I have to hold back, and this leaves me hiding instead of fighting. There should probably be a meeting point in the middle, I need to be able to stick up for myself when people treat me wrong but I also need to keep my bitch under wraps. Will I ever learn? Or will I stay a non-confrontal sassy bitch?

Time will Tell...

Now off to bed..Tomorrow is another day!